You Won't Be Energetic Every Day

Sometimes it's just so difficult to sit at your desk and work. Sometimes you feel like you'll win the world, but other times you feel like you just can't stay in your seat anymore and that you need a break. It may happen to you often, just like it happens with me a lot. Like today, I don't even feel like writing this blog, but I am writing it because I want to document every phase of myself while I am traveling through different phases of my life.

I have work to do. A few tasks require input from my partner, and the rest of the work is under my control. But I don't feel like doing it. I always feel guilty for feeling this way because sometimes I crave for the very time I am getting right now, but I don't get it.

Now today, when I can make good use of this time, I don't feel like working. I don't feel like sitting in front of my laptop and scrolling through endless suggestions on how to make a website good or how to make graphics look fabulous. I get very little or almost no time to practice my writing, but I don't feel like writing either.

I have subscribed to some amazing newsletters, but for the past few days, I don't even feel like opening them. I have so many books to read, but I don't feel like reading any of those books. I feel like going home and just sitting, or watching TV, or just roaming in my room, or talking, anything but working or using my laptop for work.

I started this business in August, and since then, I have been working hard on it, pushing myself every single day to do tasks I hate but are important. So, since August, I have rarely taken a day off from the library (that's where I do my work) intentionally. I have taken offs only when some work had to be done at home and required my presence. If I decide (which I already have) to go back home, this will be the first time after starting this business that I will be going back home intentionally just as a day off. It's 6:32 PM on a November evening; it's winter, so the sun sets early. It's almost dark outside.

So I just want to go and meet someone, talk to someone, and desperately need this time off. A part of my 24/7 running brain is telling me that I am wasting good time (as I am going on a trip next week for five days, so I won't be able to do my work then either. I should work my ass off before taking such a huge vacation), but I know myself. I know that I won't be able to concentrate even if I choose to stay. So it's better I just go home and enjoy the evening.

A thought is coming to mind now, one I’ve often heard in podcasts and read about in newsletters and books: "Keep pushing and working in the moments when you don't feel like working at all. That's actually the point of a breakthrough in your life. That's when you push yourself, ignore your emotions, and do something small to break the cycle of your emotions controlling your actions." And look - I have broken that cycle. I am writing this blog even when I badly want to just get up and go back home.

Note for myself: "It's okay to take these regular breaks. You are working way too hard every day and CONSISTENTLY, so you deserve it. No guilt feeling here."